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The jokes are not meant to offend. If any of them do offend, let me know and they will be removed.

As an old age pensioner was driving down the M1, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Henry, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M1. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Henry, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...? Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?" Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was that memory course instructor's name? -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- I had skylights installed at my place the other day...the people that live upstairs are really mad! -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned the volume all the way up....the mime artist next door went nuts! -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- How do you keep an idiot in suspense? -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska? First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school. She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast. "No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!" "You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds. "No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are foul." "You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns. "Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks. The mother is about to lose her patience. "Because you're the Headmaster, now get out of bed!" ('that one's for Mark') -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort? -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Skoda, YOU ride in it!!!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake. They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, "I got something, I got something!" So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, "If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish." Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree. The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, "I want you to double my IQ." The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had been working on for months. So the next scientist thinks that's pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, "I want you to tripple my IQ." So the Mermaid says, "No problem." snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS and Cancer. So the last scientist is really excited about all of this. He tells the Mermaid, "I want you to quadruple my IQ." The Mermaid looks at him and says, "Are you sure about this? I'm not so sure you want to do that." But the scientist is stubborn and tells her, "You granted the other guys wishes, now grant mine or we're not letting you go." So the Mermaid sighs and says, "Whatever you want." She snaps her fingers and the scientist turned into a woman. ('not too sure about that one!') -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Ha ha ha,very funny Scottie.... NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!! -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says, "Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?" The Grandpa says, "I Don't Know, Why?" The Little Boy Says, "Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Go To Disneyland!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Please remember, we prefer you to use the back entrance. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- There was a big dark universe In that big dark universe there was a big dark galaxy In that big dark galaxy there was a big dark solar system In that big dark solar system there was a big dark planet On that big dark planet there was a big dark continent On that big dark continent there was a big dark country In that big dark country there was a big dark city In that big dark city there was a big dark suburb In that big dark suburb there was a big dark street In that big dark street there was a big dark house In that big dark house there was a big dark room In that big dark room there was a big dark cupboard In that big dark cupboard there was... a little man replacing a fuse! -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Telepath wanted. You know where to apply. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realise that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, by now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references-no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress-still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep! -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in his OWN pockets. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A husband and wife enter a dentist`s office. The Wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or novocain because I`m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You`re a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words. After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work. Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!" The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though." -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A few things to remember… Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: 'A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.' -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked: What's wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, then apologized for his emotional outburst. I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me. One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset? Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole! Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible! Horrible? You think that`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief. It was worse than that!!!!Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse, it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice... -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name. "Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive. "Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter". Jesus is now getting quite excited. In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", again the answer is "yes". "Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?! The old man looks puzzled and after a moment says... "Pinnochio?" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog..that's cool." -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says... 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A hunter walks into a glade in a forest and there's a very small pygmy standing beside an enormous dead elephant. "Hello!" said the pygmy, "look what I've just killed". "Good grief", said the hunter, "what did you kill it with?" "My club" said the pygmy. The hunter, astonished, gasped "How big's your club?" "Oh, there's about 60 of us" replied the pygmy. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Pete and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water. One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Pete he just couldn't be dishonest anymore. "Don't quit now," Pete begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire." Jim refused to change his mind. "Pete," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Did you hear about the two TV aerial installers that got married. The ceremony wasn't too good but the reception was perfect. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Breaking news - Following the death of the World Hokey Kokey Champion seven weeks ago, the undertakers have reported that they have finally managed to nail the lid down on the coffin. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- I went to the Gym Instructor and asked him to teach me to do the splits. He asked me how flexible I was and I replied that I couldn't do Tuesdays. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti!" The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope. The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him. So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away. The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate. Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London. After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England! The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view. Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more. With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said - "TAG! - You're it!" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!" The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy." The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?" -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

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